Ask Clara: Submit your questions...

Hi Everyone,

I'm posting to invite those who are interested in  having their questions answered, to submit their questions via this website or my facebook inbox.

There are no monetary benefits to  having this advice/travel blog. I've always wanted to start an advice column of my own and my hope is to reach as many of you as possible who may need insight or assistance. Please feel free to write me about anything, especially issues pertaining to:

1. Relationships
2. Education/Parenting
3. Any questions from adolescents are welcome.

I am a skill development teacher and work as a volunteer crisis counsellor during my days off.  Currently in graduate school specializing in counselling psychology, you can also find me at the library with my nose in the books. :)

Happy Halloween everyone!!!!

Ask Clara: Full Disclosure on a White Plate.

Welcome everyone. This week's second letter comes from Natasha in Minnesota. In a relationship for three years, Natasha wonders if her boyfriend's future plans include her. Is he planning or playing with her? Natasha laid out her expectations again to her boyfriend four days ago and asks him to contact her regarding his thoughts. After saying, "okay, bye", her boyfriend has yet to contact her. 

Thank you Clara.

....it's been really hard for me so far but deep down I know I am doing the right thing. It's like you keep waiting for them to change and it's a lot of broken promises.....

I am a professional. 34 years old. I was with my boyfriend for three years and were living in the same state. I got a good job and moved and the expectation was that he would sell his house and eventually come be with me. All of that was going well. It's only been a month or so that the cracks started to form. For maybe the last 6 months, I have asked him to learn about my culture and religion. Initially he said he would but after repeated promises, he would always have an excuse.  

Other issues are his job..He has a very basic job but does not push himself to do much more than that. I stay with him because the man treats me like gold. Literally would do anything for me and really spoils me rotten. I love how he cares about me. It's just hard. I am losing some respect for him because he does not push himself to have goals and lack motivation. He breaks promises. 

So I laid it on the line. Told him I need my needs met and to stop making empty promises...that was Sunday and so far just silence...not sure even if he comes back now that anything would change. 

I guess I am hoping for a miracle but deep down know that if he cannot even contact me after four days, maybe it's just not going to happen. 

Natasha, 

Congratulations on having the strength to fully disclose your needs and in a way, STANDARDS, to your boyfriend. It sounds like you are aware that by doing so, there is a chance that he may not return due to the fact that he simply does not want what YOU want. 

When a man is in love with a woman, there will be no empty promises and excuses. It sounds like this man is really not interested in making a full commitment to you. If he can't even commit to learning about your religion and culture (which is part of you), what makes you think he would be interested in sharing and building a life with you? 

The other issue concerns his employment. Ambitious and successful women like yourself often pair up with men with similar goal oriented wavelengths. It isn't so much a financial issue as it is a concern regarding emotional compatibility. A man who is unmotivated will not satisfy you and at worse, may cause you to become less motivated as well if you stay with him in the long run. The fact that you have mention his lack of motivation in this letter clearly shows that it is something you are not comfortable with. As the 'breadwinner', would you be comfortable paying him alimony and sharing all your assets if you two were to divorce? 

You mention that he treats you like gold and spoils you rotten. A man who treats his girlfriend like gold will NOT break promises and negate her needs and requirements. I can only imagine that he is spoiling you with material things, by which you can purchase yourself given how financially and professionally successful you are. 

Remember: The goal is to find, marry and have children with the love of your life. Focus on finding a man who shares the same life goals as you. All material things can be purchased later when you BOTH have worked hard to financially afford them. 

You did the most logical and right thing by fully disclosing your requirements to this man. All you can do now is keep staying happy and beautiful and see if he can step up to the plate and fulfill your STANDARDS. 

Good luck Natasha and thanks for trusting me to answer your question! 

Broken Dates, Broken Excuses. (Ask Clara, overseas edition)

Today, Cristina, from Tuscany writes to me asking this question:

Hi Clara, how are you? I'm confused and I need an advice from you :)

I've known a boy 12 years older than me. I'm 20 and he's 32. He is fascinating and a good looking man...But we chatting from 2 months. I never contact him...He always do.

But when he asks me to go out and I accept, he disappear. And the day after, he try to tell me excuses and justifications. Why he contact me everyday if than, he don't wants to go out with me??!! I'm not a petulant girl. I always have the respect of everyone....But this situation has to finish...How can I do?

Do I just disappear and don't answer at his messages, or should I make a speech about that with him?

Excuse me for my English. And excuse me for the bother : |


Thank you Cristina for trusting me with giving you insight to this issue. 

At any age, when it comes to finding decent men brought up to fulfill their commitments, the most basic gesture is for a man to SHOW UP for a date when plans have been made. 

The fact that he has broken dates repeatedly with "excuses and justifications" means this man will no longer have the pleasure of hearing from you. 

What kind of manners was this guy taught by his mother anyways? 

You mention at the end of your letter that this "situation has to finish". Well, I certainly sense your determination to discontinue letting this guy play you like a yo yo. 

Do what you need to do to ensure he never hears from you again. Block him, stay away from the areas he hangs out in, heck, if you need to move to another area, I'd do that too. 

Keep your standards and dignity high Cristina.